The Dutch Manual

1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds him too much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and other things he doesn't like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a  Nederlander.

2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in Holland for more than five years. Not only will it give you a splitting headache but also Hollanders won't understand a single word of  what you are trying to say. Foreigners are expected to speak English or gibberish. Speaking gibberish they're easy prey for pickpockets since they can't make a report to the police.

3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of  licorice that only Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black. The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax.

4. Do not buy wooden shoes.  They will look absolutely silly on you. Which is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the first place.

5. Do not make holes in dikes.  Behaviour like that is not only frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives.

6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it.

7. Windmills are unavoidable.

8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills, wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both are available in a large quantity and are easy to find. Ask any Hollander age six or older or any French tourist.

9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is merely an excuse used for bashing the whole town down, after the game is won.... Or lost... Or if it is a draw. Also, whenever there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention the '74 final!". You'll end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team played and how marvellous it is that a small country like Holland has such a good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah.

10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or kick a policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no Hollander recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may also note that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners tricked into taking the job.

11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off their own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him something for free. The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365 days each year. This might also explain those wooden shoes: They float. Yes, Holland is small and Hollanders are proud of it.They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the nation has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small.

13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you will - simply tell him that Germans and Hollanders are similar. He will do everything possible to convince you that there is no bigger difference between cultures and people that the Hollandse and German one.

14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and hard-drugs, women and pornography to foreigners to let an opportunity for making a good profit go by.

15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. Don't expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have fun.

16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious looking blade with a slit in it. It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is used for taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the cheese. Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Nederlander. Never cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself.

17. Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of mayonnaise and put it in small paper bags. This is called "een patatje met".  One of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period.  Not everyone agrees if it is the sort of life worth living.  Some foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.

18. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of yourself in Holland:  Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino.  Coffee shops do not - remember this - do not sell coffee.

19. Do not bother to hire a car.  Not only can you steal more bikes than you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not something you will enjoy.  In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in miles or kilometres, Nederlandse traffic jams are measured in weeks.

20. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her husband is no king but a prince.  The queen doesn't rule the country but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other countries.  Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops queening will be king.  Now his wife won't be a queen but she will be a princess because Nederland is much too small for a king and a queen at the same time.  Queen's Day, by the way, has nothing to do with royal festivities.  It's just a Hollander's excuse to drink large quantities of alcohol.  On Queen's Day Hollanders also sell garbage in the streets.

21. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday party, prepare yourself for a unique experience.  A Hollandse birthday party consists of sitting in a chair, talking to other Hollanders about your work, your car, foreigners and politics. To drink, you can only choose between coffee or tea. You are expected to leave at 11 pm and you'll gladly do so.

22. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the famous Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days some operations, Like open heart surgery, have a waiting list of more than six months. The doctors don't think that is a problem, "More than half of our patients for open heart surgery never even show up anyway" they say. Some Nederlandse patients who have become desperate, move to a country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare is infinitely better.

23. Nederlanders leave their curtains open in the evening. This used to be so that the neighbours could always check if your family didn't gamble or drink alcohol. These days it is a precaution against junkies trying to steal the stereo from the family car, parked in front of the house. It has the fortunate side effect that you can watch Hollanders in their natural surroundings, in front of the television, watching soaps.

24. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam.  Like... ehh...  Well, it has!!

25. Never visit a Nederlander around six a clock p.m. as this is national dinner time. With other words, time for boiled potatoes, meatballs and gravy. Around that time a Nederlander will tell you that it's dinner time, so time to leave for you.

Thank you Piet-hein for sharing this article.  It just brings back fond memories of my 2 weeks' visit to The Netherlands in 2000.