Actual stories from travel agents

These are actual stories from travel agents about their moronic customers...

Someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (probably blonde)

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

 

 

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to Save time."

 

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know Which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

Brain Teaser

Teaser (1): A 30 year old man married a 25 year old woman. She died at age 50 and her husband was so devastated that he cried for years. Ten years after he stopped crying, he died. If he had lived to be 80, how many years was he a widower?

Teaser (2): A boat is at anchor. Over the side hangs a rope ladder  with rungs a foot apart. The tide rises at a rate of 10 inches per hour.  At the end of six hours, how much of the rope ladder will remain  above water, assuming that 10 feet were above the water when the tide  began to rise?

Teaser (3): There is a man that lives on the top floor of a very tall  building.  Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor  to leave the building to go to work.  Upon returning from work though, he  can only travel half way up in the lift and has to  walk the rest of the way, unless it's raining!  WHY?

Teaser (4): There was a guy who had a Fox, a Chicken, and a bag of Grain. He   had to cross a river to get back home, but he could only take one item with him at a time. He could only take the fox, or the grain, or the chicken. Well, if you leave a chicken and a fox on one side  of the river while taking the bag of grain across, the fox will eat the chicken, same thing with the chicken and the grain. Can't leave those two alone or the chicken will eat the grain. How do you get them all across the river safely?

 

Answers

(1) He was a widower for 25 years.

(2) Since the boat is afloat, the water level in  relation to the ship stays the same. Therefore, 10 feet are above water,  just as the beginning!

(3) The man was a dwarf and couldn't reach top lift buttons except with an umbrella.

(4) Take the chicken first and come back. Get the grain, take it across and take the chicken back with you. Leave the chicken and take the fox and come back. Get the chicken.

WHO OWNS THE MONKEY ?

Introduction :  There is a row of five houses along Bukit Timah Road, each with a front door of a different colour.  In each house lives a man of different nationality, with a different sort of pet.  Each man has a different drink and a favourite fruit, which are different from his neighbours. Some of the information is given below, and this should be entered in the table given.  The question is …….. who owns the monkey ?

Facts :   The doors are in the correct order – the Yellow is on your left.

1. The English man lives in the middle house.
2. The Indian has a Dog.
3. 7-Up is drunk in the house with the Green door.
4. The Indonesian drinks Coca-Cola.
5. The owner of the Frog drinks Beer.
6. The owner of the Snails likes Bananas.
7. Durians are eaten in the house on the left.
8. Pepsi-Cola is drunk in the house with Red door.
9. The Thai lives in the first house on the left.
10. The man who eats Mangoes lives next door to the man with the Frog.
11. The Pineapple eater drinks Brandy.
12. Durians are eaten by the man next door to the house with the Horse.
13. The Japanese man eats Papayas.
14. The Indian lives next door to the Red house.

 

Door	Yellow	Blue	Red	Brown	Green
Nationality
Drink
Fruit
Pet

 

WHO OWNS THE MONKEY ? _______________________________

 

"Out-of-Office" email auto-reply

"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:  
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

12: I've run away to join a different circus.
 
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

 

=====================

 

Hello Brother

I just purchased two VCDs from Poh Kim today.  Saw both movies this evening.  The second movie, 'Hello Brother' or "My Little Brother' tells a very touching story about a 9 year-old Hani (Park Ji-bin).  Hani has a 12-year-old brother, Han-byul who falls sick often.  Hani does not treat his older brother well and plays pranks on him often.  For Hani, the world evolve around him and all he enjoys is computer games..

One day, Han-byul fall sick and was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  He undergoes brain surgery and is hospitalized in the pediatric ward. Their mother is so busy taking care of Han-byul that she can't really care for Hani. Hani felt that his brother is fonder of Wook - another kid in the pediatric ward who suffers from the same illness. Hence, Hani's worries begin.

Hani learnt about friendship with selflessness through his adventures with Wook. Incidents with his classmate Jun-tae (Sebastian) makes him understand that the world does not revolve only around him.

It was a painful experience for a 9 year-old child. However, that is the price that he has to pay to learn the value of the people close around him and become a boy who will do anything for them.

Hani was a self-centered boy who has to come to grips with his older brother becoming terminally ill. After his brother is diagnosed with a brain tumor, the whole family struggles to keep things from falling apart. But young Han-i doesn't quite understand the seriousness of the situation.  It was an enjoyable but teary movie.  My tears just keep falling like rain especially the last 20 minutes. You need lots of tissue on standby.

Dilbert Quotes

 

 

 

Dilbert Quotes

 

A magazine ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.  Here are the Top Ten finalists:

 

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."   (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

 

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

 

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

 

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

 

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

 

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let  you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining  and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

 

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

 

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss  work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her  burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping  executive, FTD Florists)

 

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

 

10. "One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning  a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.  He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to  ask for it!" (New Business Manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards).

 

 

Motherhood ..... also known as RACDHR

Sent to me by a mother.....

Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations

A few months ago, when I was picking up the  children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation.  "Do you know what you and I are?" she  demanded. Before I could answer, and I didn't really have one  handy, she blurted out the reason for her question.

It seemed she had  just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County  Clerk's office.  Asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation, Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. What I  mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are  you just a .....?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a  mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an  occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the  same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was  obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a  high-sounding title like Official Interrogator or Town Registrar.

"And what is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I  do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research  Associate in the field of Child Development and Human  Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly,  emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder  as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the  official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,  "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of  fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of  research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the  field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my  Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all  daughters)."

"Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in  the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in  satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of  respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and  personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (6 months) in the child-development program, testing   out a new vocal pattern.

I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more  distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another  mother."

Motherhood ... what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door.

 

The Retirement Option

Hey, something for all you guys out there to consider.......

About 2 years ago my friend and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.

I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".

She replied, "Yes, that's true."

I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. And the rest can be put into the slot machines.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips and your casino winnings will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. TV. broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge!!

 

Yes, you're getting older

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint, which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokeys' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark.  No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, and no Internet chat rooms. We had friends and we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones but there were no lawsuits. We had full on fistfights but no prosecution followed from other parents. We played knock-and-run and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.

We walked to friend's homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!


Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good. For those of you who aren't old enough thought you might like to read about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening ...and it might put a smile on your face:  The majority of students in universities today were born in 1983 ... they are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.

They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda Carlisle. For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born. Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are Films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the Famous Five.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and don't even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again all the fun you have experienced together.
7. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too...


Yes, you're getting older and still rocking away to the 80's music !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

==================

English Language?

Dear All

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

28 Ways to know if you are Chinese

28 Ways to Know if you are Chinese!

1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the  wrapping(and especially those bows).

2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.

3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.

4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.

 5. You hate to waste food:

(a) Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa.
(b) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.

6. You don't own any real Tupperware- only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.

7. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take everytime you stay in a hotel.

8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.

9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker.

10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.

11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.

12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.

13. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive Walkman if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.

14. You're a wok user.

15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.

16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached, it means they're fresh.

17. You never call your parents just to say hi.

18. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty (yeet hay in Cantonese).

20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.

21. You always cook too much.

22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.

23. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.

24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewellery or electronics, computers.

25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.

26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.

27. You know why this list consists of only "28" reasons.

28. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.

 

 

 

The Dutch Manual

1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds him too much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and other things he doesn't like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a  Nederlander.

2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in Holland for more than five years. Not only will it give you a splitting headache but also Hollanders won't understand a single word of  what you are trying to say. Foreigners are expected to speak English or gibberish. Speaking gibberish they're easy prey for pickpockets since they can't make a report to the police.

3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of  licorice that only Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black. The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax.

4. Do not buy wooden shoes.  They will look absolutely silly on you. Which is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the first place.

5. Do not make holes in dikes.  Behaviour like that is not only frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives.

6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it.

7. Windmills are unavoidable.

8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills, wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both are available in a large quantity and are easy to find. Ask any Hollander age six or older or any French tourist.

9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is merely an excuse used for bashing the whole town down, after the game is won.... Or lost... Or if it is a draw. Also, whenever there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention the '74 final!". You'll end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team played and how marvellous it is that a small country like Holland has such a good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah.

10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or kick a policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no Hollander recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may also note that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners tricked into taking the job.

11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off their own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him something for free. The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365 days each year. This might also explain those wooden shoes: They float. Yes, Holland is small and Hollanders are proud of it.They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the nation has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small.

13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you will - simply tell him that Germans and Hollanders are similar. He will do everything possible to convince you that there is no bigger difference between cultures and people that the Hollandse and German one.

14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and hard-drugs, women and pornography to foreigners to let an opportunity for making a good profit go by.

15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. Don't expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have fun.

16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious looking blade with a slit in it. It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is used for taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the cheese. Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Nederlander. Never cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself.

17. Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of mayonnaise and put it in small paper bags. This is called "een patatje met".  One of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period.  Not everyone agrees if it is the sort of life worth living.  Some foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.

18. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of yourself in Holland:  Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino.  Coffee shops do not - remember this - do not sell coffee.

19. Do not bother to hire a car.  Not only can you steal more bikes than you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not something you will enjoy.  In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in miles or kilometres, Nederlandse traffic jams are measured in weeks.

20. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her husband is no king but a prince.  The queen doesn't rule the country but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other countries.  Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops queening will be king.  Now his wife won't be a queen but she will be a princess because Nederland is much too small for a king and a queen at the same time.  Queen's Day, by the way, has nothing to do with royal festivities.  It's just a Hollander's excuse to drink large quantities of alcohol.  On Queen's Day Hollanders also sell garbage in the streets.

21. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday party, prepare yourself for a unique experience.  A Hollandse birthday party consists of sitting in a chair, talking to other Hollanders about your work, your car, foreigners and politics. To drink, you can only choose between coffee or tea. You are expected to leave at 11 pm and you'll gladly do so.

22. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the famous Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days some operations, Like open heart surgery, have a waiting list of more than six months. The doctors don't think that is a problem, "More than half of our patients for open heart surgery never even show up anyway" they say. Some Nederlandse patients who have become desperate, move to a country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare is infinitely better.

23. Nederlanders leave their curtains open in the evening. This used to be so that the neighbours could always check if your family didn't gamble or drink alcohol. These days it is a precaution against junkies trying to steal the stereo from the family car, parked in front of the house. It has the fortunate side effect that you can watch Hollanders in their natural surroundings, in front of the television, watching soaps.

24. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam.  Like... ehh...  Well, it has!!

25. Never visit a Nederlander around six a clock p.m. as this is national dinner time. With other words, time for boiled potatoes, meatballs and gravy. Around that time a Nederlander will tell you that it's dinner time, so time to leave for you.

Thank you Piet-hein for sharing this article.  It just brings back fond memories of my 2 weeks' visit to The Netherlands in 2000.